Saturday, February 12, 2011

...And Other Impossible Pursuits

‘Kayso, last night the most incredible thing happened to me. Me and BFF were hanging around the stage door at Shepherds Bush Empire after getting completely car-parked and pushed up against sweaty Emo kids during My Razorblade Butterfly, while they screamed their “we cut ourselves and write depressing songs about it so you don’t have too” lyrics.

I only listen to them because Adam, their singer, is the sex.

Oh but about a month ago I read on their forum that he was getting married to this bitch, Anna, and I was all, ‘Omigod, how could this happen?’ I was so completely distraught that I couldn’t listen to any of their albums that day. But it turns out he isn’t anymore because the whore sexed up some other famous dick from some other band. I always knew he could do better than her: the gold-digging slag.

And the bitch totally did cheat on him because I read it in Shameless Fame magazine, so STFU already.

‘Kayso, we were like waiting around outside the door and those sly fuckslice bouncers totally kept telling us that the band have already gone back to their hotel, which we know are complete lies because we can like totally see their tour bus sitting in the car-park. Oh my god, we’re not that stupid!

And we were totally right because ten minutes later My Razorblade Butterfly come outside to see us – their dedicated fans. And all the girls got like totally overexcited? And kept pushing each other to get the front even though they could see there was a queue. Like seriously.

And we headed straight to Adam. It’s not like I don’t like the other guys, really, it’s just that they don’t do anything except stand around and play guitar or drum (how hard is that!). It’s all about Adam; he sings and writes all the lyrics. He’s so like super talented! I heart him so much!

Anyway, I went straight for Adam to give him a copy of their new album ‘Graveside Tears’ to sign and said, ‘I’ve been a fan ever since your first single. Your lyrics like totally speak to me.’

And BFF nods and totally tilts her head to the side to smile [ :) ] even though I have told her like a thousand times she looks retarded.

And Adam smiled – he SMILED! – at me and said, ‘I’m glad you like our music.’ He looked me up and down and his eyes lingered on my breasts longer than 2 seconds. (BBF and I decided that the 1 second rule wasn’t long enough to determine whether a guy like, like likes you. And we bumped Arse Rule up from 2 to 3 seconds.)

And then Adam slipped his arm around my waist and was all like, ‘So, want a tour of the bus?’

And I was all, shrug, ‘... ‘Kay.’

And then we made filthy, passionate love on the bus.

‘Kayso, maybe we didn’t. But he totally sucked my face off.



  1. Excellent sense of character for this character. I have met this girl at so many gigs in the past. Your use of slang really helps give a strong voice to you narrator. If I had to criticise anything, I would say loose the 'Dear Diary' phrase at the beginning, it doesn't add anything to the piece, especially considering it's a single entry. I think it works better as a monologue.

  2. 'Dear Diary' bit is gone. :)

    This was actually inspired by such girls I stood near in the Panic! At the Disco queue.