Sunday, January 29, 2012

Reuben and Leah: Chapter 2 and 3


Reuben

The ivory phone on Reuben’s desk alerted him to a caller in its shrill and unsubtle voice. It jolted him from his thoughts and it took him several seconds to register that someone was calling. He sighed, massaging his forehead with one hand as the other darted towards the phone.
‘Hello?’
         ‘Hello Dad, how are you?’
          Reuben smiled and lent back into the office chair. ‘I’m feeling a little under the weather today darling, thank you for asking.’
          ‘I’m sorry I haven’t called recently. I started that new job I was telling you about last time and I’ve just been so busy.’
‘How are you finding your new job?’
         ‘It’s going quite well. Although the pay is terrible, I’m thoroughly enjoying it.’
           Reuben laughed. ‘I’m not giving you a pay rise.’
          ‘Yes, it really is a good thing I love my job.’
 ‘So, how is Leah?’
           ‘Yes, Leah and Robin are both well and send their love.’ The called paused. ‘Leah’s twin sister Evelyn sends her love too.’
           Reuben froze, his smile sliding from his face ‘What?’
           The caller forced a tinkling excited giggle. ‘I know! Isn’t it lovely to have something in common with your future step-daughter? What are the odds that she would be a twin like me?’
           ‘Are you fucking serious?’
           ‘I know, I know! Leah and Evelyn are identical though, unlike myself and Caleb. Such a surprising coincidence, don’t you think?’
           A bell chimed through the speakers of Reuben’s computer, signalling an email.
           ‘No, no, she doesn’t live here,’ chimed Hope’s voice. ‘She lives in Los Angeles.’
            Reuben buried his head in his free hand. ‘Shit.’
            ‘I was thinking of introducing her to Aelia.’
            ‘Aelia is on a plane home,’ muttered Reuben into his hand.
            ‘That’s a shame. I thought Aelia was staying out there for another month.’
            ‘Are you one hundred percent sure there’s a twin?’
            ‘Uh-huh.’
            ‘Shit.’ Reuben brought his hand away from his face and tapped his desk. ‘They told me she had had one child.’
            ‘Sometimes –,’
            Reuben frowned at the silence. ‘Hope?’
            ‘There’s a beautiful silver Sedan parked across the street. You know, the kind I considered buying.’
          Reuben sat up straight. ‘A silver Sedan?’
          ‘Yes. It’s one of those with a personalised number plate.’
‘Is it one of them?’
‘I’m not really sure.’
Reuben stood, the office chair bumping the wall behind it. ‘How long has it been there?’
         ‘I’m not sure. I may go over and see if the owner can tell me more about them.’
‘Do not leave the house, Hope,’ commanded Reuben. He strode around his desk to the door and flung it open. ‘Caleb! Get in the car! Hope, stay in the house. Call Orla - we’re on our way.’
‘Well okay then. You should’ve told me you were in the middle of watching the golf when I rang. Enjoy the rest of the game,’ replied Hope, her voice overly bright. ‘Speak to you soon, Dad. Love you.’




Leah

Leah crept into her bedroom, flicked the light switch and closed the door quietly. She padded over to her bed with her mobile pressed to her ear. Leah heard the click of a lighter on the other end as she sat down on her bed, pulling a throw around her. ‘She disappears in the middle of the night. She likes her steaks rare, and by rare I mean she likes it alive –’
         ‘So she likes rare steak. I like rare steak,’ said Evelyn, inhaling. ‘Why are you whispering?’
         ‘Because Hope is downstairs and I don’t want her to hear me.’ 
         ‘What? She won’t be able to hear you if you’re upstairs.’
        ‘I don’t want to take any chances. Dad might hear me.’ 
          Evelyn exhaled a mixture of smoke and exasperation. ‘Fine. So what else is new?’       
         Leah tapped her foot on the floor. ‘I found a small tub of blood in the fridge.’
        ‘Wow,’ said Evelyn, laughter hiding in her voice. ‘Did you ask her about it?’
        ‘Said she drained it from the chicken we’d had for lunch.’
        Inhale. ‘That’s plausible.’
        ‘How many people do you know who keep chicken blood in their fridge?
       ‘L.A. baby, anything’s possible.’
'I guess,’ said Leah, picking at a loose thread on the throw. ‘Do chickens from a butcher’s still have blood in them?’
Evelyn sighed. ‘I don’t know.’
‘I’m going to Google it.’
‘Great,’ replied Evelyn, exhaling as a muffled male voice called to her. ‘Look, that’s the runner. I need to go back to the set.’
‘Leaves, I need you to come home.’
‘Why?’ asked Evelyn, her tone suddenly hard. ‘Leah, I’m sorry that you’re stuck there in this shitty situation but you’re just going to have to deal with it. You’re determined to hate this woman you know nothing about. Did you know that’s she’s also a twin?’
‘How do you know that?’
‘Because I have conversations with her!’ cried Evelyn, irritation crashing through her voice.  ‘Stop obsessing over every detail.’
‘So a pot of blood in the fridge is perfectly normal is it?’ snapped Leah. ‘I’m concerned that our new Mother could be dangerous –,’
‘Dangerous?’ shrieked Evelyn. ‘Because she eats rare steaks and leaves the occasional pot of blood in the fridge?’ The muffled male voice called to Evelyn again. ‘I have to go now.’
‘Fine.’ Leah pushed her finger into the mobiles’ screen to end the call. It wasn’t as satisfying as punching her finger onto a button. Frustration ploughed through Leah’s body. Teeth clenched, she stared at the phone in her hand and then glanced up at the opposite wall. She closed her eyes and sucked in a deep lungful of air.
Hope shouted up the stairs, agitation etched into her tone. A loud, short sharp crack sounded from the back of the house, followed by the tinkering of shattered glass. More shouts; female and male voices smashed together as the unknown intruders fought their way in.
Leah leaped towards her door, the throw slipping off her shoulders trailing behind her, and yanked it open.

9 comments:

  1. I liked the way you have rewritten this, the two perspectives so close to ne another give a good contrast and Reuben and Hope's conversation hint at something sinister without giving too much away. I also really live the conversation between Evelyn and Leah. You can tell immediately that they are sisters, and the flow of the conversation is very natural.

    This leads me on to a critism. The conversation between Reuben and Hope seems very formal - I realise that, to a certain extent, they're work colleagues, but some lines just don't flow very well for me. For example "I’m sorry I haven’t called recently. I started that new job I was telling you about last time and I’ve just been so busy.’
    ‘How are you finding your new job?’" It might scan better if instead Reuben just says 'How are you finding it?' It might be a good idea to read the direct speech aloud and see if it sounds like real speech to you.

    Also, at the end of the first paragraph the sentence "He sighed, massaging his forehead with one hand as the other darted towards the phone." doesn't quite work for me. The sigh and head massaging implies a world-weariness that is then contradicted by the use of the word 'darted' - it might be woreth thinking of another verb to replace this one.

    The very last sentence in this piece is also a little confusing. Because you've used a noun in the subordinate clause, your subject in the main body of the sentence becomes unclear. "Leah leaped towards her door, the throw slipping off her shoulders trailing behind her, and yanked it open." Perhaps instead it should read: 'Leah lept towards the door and yanked it open. The throw slipped from her shoulders and fell to the floor.'

    There were some really great bits and pieces though:

    1. Like I say, the variation of perspectives and the insuing contrast gives a great sense of tension.

    2. The idea that pressing a touch screen is not the same as pushing a button is great little image - and it also serves to give us an idea of Leah's character. Perhaps she is someone who lives in the past and doesn't like new technology or change at all?

    3. The fact that Hope calls Reuben 'dad' at the end of their telephone conversation - this feels pleasantly ambiguous to me, is she really his daughter? Or is she saying benign things because she's afraid of being overheard?

    I also really liked the whole 'blood in the fridge' thing. Something that is a little bit strange, but could so easily have a rational explanation. We're not sure whether Leah is paranoid or whether she really has an evil step mother on her hands! I liked it a lot.

    Leanne -x-

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  2. I really liked the Leah section, especially the ending - I found it very dramatic but I do agree with Leanne that the last sentence is a little clunky and should be reworked.

    You've carried the sense of agitation over from the last scene and the chapter before well. You can see how easily one chapter will slip into another.

    My favourite bit of the section was this:
    "Leah pushed her finger into the mobiles’ screen to end the call. It wasn’t as satisfying as punching her finger onto a button."
    I really understood the sense of frustration adn I totally get how she feels. A touch screen button isn't as satisfying when hanging up - especially if you're angry!

    Now the Reuben section.

    I was initially confused about the relationship between Hope and Reuben, (mainly from the initial "dad" reference Hope gave to Reubenand then the step daughter reference) until I read Leannes comment and now I completely understand! This may have just been me being super slow on the up take.

    I agree with Leanne regarding the dialogue, you should read through it and see it flows. Make it naturalistic, it may be more believable then. Right now it's way too formal, even if she's trying to be all covert and 'ish.

    It seems like the dad doesn't get on with Evelyn (blatant observation). He must know of her, surely. Or am I missing something?

    Finally I really liked the sense of urgency and ambiguity of both the endings, they tied in well with each other and I really want to know who "they" are. Something to do with the dad I'm guessing - or it could be the "witch hunters" coming for Hope?! Or is that me reading way too much into it? lol.

    I look forward to reading more.

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  3. Same as with Leanne I found the repetition of 'new Job' awkward. Agree that it could just as well be 'it'

    chimed in two sentences 'A bell chimed' and 'chimed Hope'. Also the flow of the dialogue feels like tehre's a question missing, as she appears to answer 'No, no, she doesn't live here' to a question. I know she's playing along for the sake of eavesdroppers, but she's still using real names and responding directly to things, so I'm not sure how much she's attempting to cover up and why.

    The dialogue also is a tad confusing about who it is who has the twin until it's defined. I'd change the hyperbole of the 'to have something in common with your future step-daughter' to 'I have/with my' or just 'with my'.

    Also I thought Hope's character was vegan, it stated in the previous chapter explicitely, but she's eating steak and chicken with abandon.

    One niggly detail from a TV bloke - In the US, runner's aren't called runner's, they're called Gofer's (Go fer this, Go fer that). Runner's are something completely different over there. I get if she's done TV over here though that she might still call them that, but probably not.

    Obviously other characters and plot lines are being introduced in this chapter and we get hints of machinations and subterfuge, it's just the first section is a tad too confusing, as we are introduced to characters 50% of whom aren't speaking directly/telling the truth, so it's very difficult to get a definite sense of who these people are without several read-throughs. The 'buy a car' and 'interrupted Golf' and the like bits are enough to show she's being underhand/obtuse due to people overhearing, but I think it's probably best to keep character related references direct so we at least get definitions clear.

    Nice advancement of the plot in an unexpected direction.

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    Replies
    1. Hey hey, this bays strating to heat up.

      ‘I’m sorry I haven’t called recently. I started that new job I was telling you about last time and I’ve just been so busy.’
      ‘How are you finding your new job?’

      Ok, other than the than the vernacular the others have pointed out here....

      Right. So. She's speaking in code right? Coz of the dodgy folk across the way? The convo is off. Is he actually her dad? Is the 'job' her role in the family?? I think this is what you are trying to imply...that she is a cuckoo in the nest, right? as indicated by.."‘I’m not giving you a pay rise.’

      If it is, you need to make his end of the convo more explicit. If he's not her dad maybe have him laugh at her, or comment on his role, or even think of something unfatherly.

      "The called paused. " huh? Caller methinks. Though her name here would work better...?

      Ok Im gonna sum up what i think is going down, as people seem to be a bit unsure (myself inc) perhaps then you can let us know if we're on track and how to shore up your clues (or not) as neccessary. (So many names! My head spins)

      Robin is the dad to twins Evelyn (Leaves) and er..Leah. There mother is dead, or at least gone. Their mother was something interesting to vampires.

      Reuban is a vamp. Hope is a vamp. Caleb is possibly a vamp. They are all in cohorts. Maybe related, maybe not. Certainly organised, office, members in LA on mysterious buisness. Orla and Aila are also 'members'.

      This group/family is interested in Leah becuase of who her mother is.

      There is a third, unkown group, who are after either a) the vamps b)Leah or possibly c) protecting Leah or even d)baliffs.

      At some point Leah turns vamp, kills her husband....is that right? Or am i confusing that scene with Hopes old name? Is that husband then Robin? Argh

      The next section is much tighter, good convo flow between siblings, some nice lines there.

      Whilst their way of talking is naturalistic to their age, for me, it underlies how off Hope seems-she comes across as too young, even considering the pretense.

      It nicely follows the action, the change in perspective upping the tension.

      Picking up Sims point over Runner. I am also confused by locale...sometimes I think its in the USA sometimes I think UK...with Evelyn in LA, of course. Which is it? This defo needs clearing up. There are certainly a lot of americanism in the text. What motivated you toward whchever it is?

      Also you nee to be more secriptive, often it reads as almost script...this can work in tense moments to get the speed up but you need to contrast it with slower moments to have more imapct.

      Also gotta say....theres to many phone calls!! Each scene is always a phone call, I get why, I do, but I think you culd break up the scenes more with other interactions.

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  4. I actually got the impression that this is a re-working of the last chapter that we saw, rather than a continuation of it. I think, if that is the case, then there are only two telephone conversations so far, which I don't think it too many. Although I do agree with Ashley that maybe these two telephones calls should be broken up with some more description.

    There's also the fact that Evelyn and Leah are in different geographic locations, so phone calls are the obvious way for them to speak to one another. Have you thought representing some of their conversations as an email exchange? There's a chance this could come off gimmicky, but it's worth a try in order to mix up the correspondence.

    Like I said before, what you really need, as your narrative is going to be sprawling and complex, is a timeline/mind map of key events - that way, you can get it straight in your own head. I'm really excited, as, from what you've told me, the story is a good one!

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  5. Okay, so: I need to change the convo between Hope and Reuben. That's really what I wanted to know... I'm going to correct it and make sure that I characterize them better in the next draft.

    Gofer - ah! Thanks for that, I didn't know they were called something different in America!

    Ahsley is pretty close to what's going on. The third group with the silver Sedan may or may not be baliffs.

    'The Caller' - I had written that bit before the beginning of the convo and didn't change it back - but I will.

    I realised that there are too many phone calls when I was reading it through after... I'm going to change that. It's just difficult cause at the moment everyone is all over the country / world. But I'll sort it out. I might add another piece before Reuben's conversation where Leah actually finds the blood in the fridge.

    Sim - yes, Hope is in fact a vegan. I had forgotten. The most embarassing thing is, is that it's in my notes on her in masssive freakin' text.

    Sorry about the name info-dump. There are a lot of people invovled.

    I'm going to rewrite everything and repost (hopefully later this afternoon) with all the name changes and order and shizz.

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  6. Hey Carla, by now you’ve probably read the comments I’ve left for Ashley, Leanne and Sim and so won’t be surprised to learn that your due for the same intense and specific treatment. Enjoy:

    You can have this sentence said by Reuben…
    ‘How are you finding your new job?’

    …without his daughter mentioning it. Leave this as it is and in my mind at least, the convo feels/sounds like bad exposition. So far the clunky repetition of words (new job) and speech that sounds ultra formal is threatening to render your piece weaker than it ought to be. No doubt someone else in The Circle might spot this and that obviously means that you ought to revisit this one aspect of the writing as so far the description of where Reuben is has been given in slight but worthy timings/placements (office chair, Reuben’s desk). More could be done to give these objects more character and thus lend more ‘picture’ to the reader (how old the desk is or whether it has sentimental value, does Reuben regret having an ivory phone? Maybe he is the type to not care about such things? The many ways to strengthen you’re telling devices are as endless as ones imagination).

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  7. I’d say that your minimal approach is sound in theory but the execution has me a little muddled from time to time (not in an intriguing way but in a ‘mastery of the camera’ way). Read your stuff back and ask yourself honestly if the reader is prepared for the ushering of many characters by name alone. Notice that whenever I heap a whole batch of new people upon the audience I give them a few sentences each whereas we get this from you:

    ‘I know, I know! Leah and Evelyn are identical though, unlike myself and Caleb. Such a surprising coincidence, don’t you think?’
    A bell chimed through the speakers of Reuben’s computer, signalling an email.
    ‘No, no, she doesn’t live here,’ chimed Hope’s voice. ‘She lives in Los Angeles.’
    Reuben buried his head in his free hand. ‘Shit.’
    ‘I was thinking of introducing her to Aelia.’
    ‘Aelia is on a plane home,’ muttered Reuben into his hand.


    ‘Well okay then. You should’ve told me you were in the middle of watching the golf when I rang. Enjoy the rest of the game,’ replied Hope, her voice overly bright. ‘Speak to you soon, Dad. Love you.’

    I think that this paragraph is fine if you use it as a draft and then stealthily omit that clunky exposition. A casual ‘enjoy the rest of the game’ would be enough to tell us that he’s watching sport on telly. Don’t mention the golf – even if it is indeed important to the main plot (I seriously doubt it is), him watching golf will have to come up later or be mentioned properly and earlier in the conversation. Did you have it in before and chop it out, it seems so.

    ‘She disappears in the middle of the night. She likes her steaks rare, and by rare I mean she likes it alive –’

    I like this piece of dialogue for its human-feel. Tell me, does the character saying it have the same humour as yourself?

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  8. Often, I’ll bump into a way of expression I’ve never come across before and of course…I tend to nick it. Thank you for:

    ‘Wow,’ said Evelyn, laughter hiding in her voice. ‘Did you ask her about it?’

    I’ll see what other emotions can hide inside the outward reactions of another. Good work here. Oh and look:

    ‘Irritation crashing through her voice.’

    There’s another one.

    The drama so far seems to be all about this step mother and as Ashley has said before, such an old convention needs to be subverted otherwise you’re looking at a rather predictable plot line. Linking lines such as this and can’t understand why I don’t use them though from what I gathered from our last meeting, you are quite well read in comparison to me.

    ‘Frustration ploughed through Leah’s body. Teeth clenched, she stared at the phone in her hand and then glanced up at the opposite wall. She closed her eyes and sucked in a deep lungful of air.’

    That's me done. Something tells me that with all this advice you're getting the next story should come bestowed with great improvements. Looking forward to a re-write of this and February's post just to see what you take on. Chin up!

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