tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8469682407918933060.post3375663129253924301..comments2023-03-24T09:16:40.805+00:00Comments on Late In the Day: Noah's ArkCloverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16542742253032170846noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8469682407918933060.post-61762301944304479652011-06-06T18:20:40.056+01:002011-06-06T18:20:40.056+01:00@Ashley: A very good point about the world being o...@Ashley: A very good point about the world being odourless. I never even thought about describing smells, but then I can’t really smell anything in RL so I guess it just doesn’t occur to me. :S Also, you’re right, I do need to embrace description at bit more. I really tried to in this. I think my problem is that I focus too much on the character/s, getting their voices right and moving their story, that I forget about everything else. This is something I definitely need to work on.Cloverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16542742253032170846noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8469682407918933060.post-5402653818052346492011-06-02T00:29:52.073+01:002011-06-02T00:29:52.073+01:00Good point about the story being odourless. Cool.
...Good point about the story being odourless. Cool.<br /><br />But so opposed to the epic? Sad. i think that one powerful chord has been struck with this story whereas it has the potential to become a song.John Clayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06230030495787135904noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8469682407918933060.post-73965499159963833822011-06-01T23:54:42.553+01:002011-06-01T23:54:42.553+01:00Well i can say im pleasantly surprised, definately...Well i can say im pleasantly surprised, definately validated you place within the Circle. Welcome.<br /><br />I really like this piece, the thing (for me) that makes a good dysatopia is believabilty, and you have definately achieved that. The future you describe is all to possible.<br /><br />There are some obvious flaws whch have been mentioned, and you have seen so i will not bother with those. ;) To add: you need to embrace description a bit more, not necessarily more words/longer sentances, but just the well placed one here and there. And use the senses. Your story is odourless. etc.<br /><br />I think using those suggestions you could really wrack up the tension in the opening frame, contrasting it with the mudanity of the office scene, to build up into the climax of him leaving Rose. Then you could hold the tension, make the reader uncomfortable with it. Is there a reason we do not see the ship leave? This wouldnt necessarily dispell the tension, but it could allow the story to end with screaming nerves.<br /><br />I have to disagree with the Epic. This isnt epic. Its the opposite. Its Final. The world is ending. The planet dying. The main character will die. The ship is desperate, futile hope, it has no destination, just seeks to prolong the inevitable. The reader is left to wait in silence for death. For the End.<br /><br />My beautiful friend...ahem, sorry.Ashley Foxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12046908197617971867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8469682407918933060.post-40971758966380032452011-06-01T00:30:09.496+01:002011-06-01T00:30:09.496+01:00Yeah, I think it's is fair to play to your str...Yeah, I think it's is fair to play to your strengths for a while till you find it all too easy. THEN try a longer narrative. The trick seems to be (well it is working far better for me in my current tale)to stay utterly true to your main idea and not deviate from it. Even sub plots are just there to highlight your epic and so as long as your protagonist stays in character, your audience is always willing to allow a few indulgences along the way. <br /><br />I could have been clearer about my suggestion: If you wish to make it longer and have Peter's searching for his child as the main bulk of the story, you'd of course have to have Amy on board the ship and have Peter hunt down his estranged wife. Juggle the pieces in another way if u like, but I think that some stories have a greater shelf life when stretched out a little. As Leanne said, it really is all about taste. Now, can someone sort my Googleblogger, or am I gonna have to keep on being the god of whinging?John Clayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06230030495787135904noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8469682407918933060.post-78784867500944299802011-05-31T19:12:29.930+01:002011-05-31T19:12:29.930+01:00Maybe a second, connected story might be a good id...Maybe a second, connected story might be a good idea? Chronicling the child's story in space/ on whatever planet they end up on? That would be cool.Crimson Ebolghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09980522480303126393noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8469682407918933060.post-26411243479781177232011-05-31T18:38:54.977+01:002011-05-31T18:38:54.977+01:00Thank you for your comments. :)
I agree with you ...Thank you for your comments. :)<br /><br />I agree with you both about the line 'No. What I mean is you have to decide who gets to leave.' I think this works much better.<br /><br />If I’m honest, I prefer both the ‘short and mysterious’ and ‘long and epic’ narratives. It’s just that I fear if I start trying to make it ‘epic’ it will just end up a rambling mess. I’m not all that great at developing overly long and complicated story arcs and plots...<br /><br />Leanne: I’m glad you spotted the mistakes. But I did notice another mistake in the second one that I don’t think you saw. And I’ve since seen loads more elsewhere! Clearly my ability to type and think at the same time is pretty low.<br /><br />John: Noah’s Ark is definitely a biblical reference but the one about Gareth leaving his child in a bundle of clothes was an unintentional reference to Moses. But perhaps I should lie and say it was? Biblical references FTW! Also I really like the idea of making it ‘epic’. However I don’t know how I’d achieve it because, in my mind, Amy (Gareth’s lost wife) brings their daughter to Gareth before she disappears into the great unknown so Gareth is never forced to go after her. I’ve imaged that Amy truly understands the great stress he is under and so to relieve him of the pressure to choose between her or their child, she simply hands the child over and leaves, sacrificing her own life so that Gareth and Rose can keep theirs. Of course, it’s all in vain anyway, because Gareth decides to stay on Earth instead of leaving.<br /><br />Perhaps I should include more of Amy in the story?<br /><br />... I’ve thought far too much about this.Cloverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16542742253032170846noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8469682407918933060.post-88073318519442776072011-05-30T21:25:54.355+01:002011-05-30T21:25:54.355+01:00Hello Carla, welcome to the circle!
This is a fan...Hello Carla, welcome to the circle!<br /><br />This is a fantastic first effort, well worth the wait! There's a palpable sense of regret that permeates this piece from beginning to end and the reader is engendered with a sense of loss and fear even before the president's awful task is revealed. The atmosphere is subtly painful, melancholy in a slow wistful sense. It's almost romantic in its tragedy. A very powerful idea executed well.<br /><br />I agree with John about holding certain things back, and the idea of saying 'No. What I mean is you have to decide who gets to leave.' would pack more of an emotional punch. Not knowing the alternative for the people left behind would add to a reader's sense of nervous unease, and ramp up the tension within the piece. <br /><br />However, I disagree with John in the sense that I think it works very well as a stand alone piece. I prefer a short narrative with an air of mystery, while I think John favours an epic story arc, so in both cases this seems to be a matter of preference.<br /><br />In terms of criticism, there were are few sentences that didn't make sense (nothing a good proof-reader can't fix! Call me, my rates are reasonable!) <br /><br />1. 'I will not then let deter me from my destination.' Perhaps instead this should read 'I will not let them deter me from my destination'?<br /><br />2. 'They should hate me. They should want to tear me apart and rib me lib from lib.' This ought to read 'limb from limb'.<br /><br />Another thing I enjoyed about it was the fractured narration, the way the tale was broken into such small paragraphs. It was as if Gareth was struggling to come to terms with his situation and you really conveyed the sense of futility and frustration.<br /><br />I can't wait to see next month's offering :)Crimson Ebolghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09980522480303126393noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8469682407918933060.post-2502414824207612122011-05-30T18:49:22.346+01:002011-05-30T18:49:22.346+01:00Welcome again to The Circle! Really, it’s fab that...Welcome again to The Circle! Really, it’s fab that we’ve had some new blood show up in time for Summer and I hope you leave a better writer than when you came in! <br /> First let’s go over the good points yeah?<br /> Cool idea. Truly the kind of thing where I slapped my head and thought, why didn’t I think of that? I had my stuff assessed as sci-fi maybe and whether it is or isn’t I’m not sure, but I envy a Sci-fi like yours that is space orientated and set in the future. Oh and was that a biblical ref to Moses? Peter leaving the kid behind in the clothes? Maybe I’m being to kind/creative, but if it is a ref I’d like to know for sure.<br /> So, I’ve a few ways you could improve and it all boils down to your belief in subtly. I find it a little lacking. Try looking at this line for example: <br /><br />‘No. What I mean is you have to decide who gets to leave, and who has to stay behind and perish.’<br /><br />I think that you could imply that Peter’s hard choice is morally ambiguous without having Gareth telling us. Maybe you could opt for:<br /><br />‘No. What I mean is you have to decide who gets to leave.’<br /><br />It is a simple truncation and it follows the rule of show rather than tell a lot more.<br /><br />I love this next part. It’s my fav:<br /><br />I should say something inspiring, something memorable. I should deliver a speech worthy of the occasion. I should reassure the people staring up at me and let them drown me in their gratitude because I chose to save them. Instead, I simply mumble: ‘That is all. Thank you.’ and pass the microphone back.<br /><br />I’d recommend may be having this as the ‘grabber’? Maybe this is a better starting point in the story and you could have him reflect on what’s led to this point. I think there should be countless examples of Peter’s mediocrity. He should be well aware that he is just not the main for the mission and that striving to do something great? Well, it leads him to sacrifice his life.<br /><br />To maybe hunt down his daughter? Think about it. You’re on to something great when we realise the beginning of an epic adventure story is that the hero is ultimately flawed, has very little time to achieve his goal (finding his kid) and to top it all off, he has to die in the end. Tell me your thoughts?<br /><br />Also, could you maybe tell me why I can’t (and seemingly others aside from Ashley) comment on my blog. I’m pulling out my dreads in anger!<br /><br />P.S Another fav part:<br /><br />She never spoke of her time on Earth nor did she ever impart any wisdom on me. The lines of her face stored stories that would have most likely frightened me senseless...John Clayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06230030495787135904noreply@blogger.com