tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8469682407918933060.post1011482264192786104..comments2023-03-24T09:16:40.805+00:00Comments on Late In the Day: Leah (a.k.a. Writers Circle post for September.)Cloverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16542742253032170846noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8469682407918933060.post-12331858002876357792011-10-13T21:19:05.977+01:002011-10-13T21:19:05.977+01:00I want to write a short character driven piece now...I want to write a short character driven piece now. Your fault completely if I do (I probably will for November). <br />You give little pieces of information and attitude away quite well here and I#m wondering how Evelyn leaves (see what I did there) Leah's life.<br /><br />I hope that you're busy working away on the next part now as I think this is a great beginning. Why? Well for reasons already mentioned as well as the minimalism - tell the audience just enough about everything relevant to the action and internal action and you've got em. I appreciated the attempt at introducing the stepmother as a threat but as Ashley says, put a new spin on her evil ways. Ascribe the bitch a motivation that might even justify (from her warped perspective) why she's gonna take Leah's dad for a fool.<br /><br />Often I find that your work reads like a superior draft and not a finished piece - not quite so with this piece, not if you work on the clarity of who is speaking to who (possibly my main gripe but not beyond fixing at all).<br /><br />No one has made any comments about the pacing which worked well (Evelyn mentions that dads new woman might be 'The One' and immediately I felt that if I were Leah I would think of my mother, maybe look at a picture of her. Bang on!).<br /><br />'The line died and Leah replaced the phone in its cradle.'<br /><br />Great way to end the piece as I presume that using the word cradle was a choice to tie up not just the end of the convo but that Leah was going back to sleep and that we'd just had a view back into her infancy courtesy of the picture). Cradle manifested her innocence and how dare any evil step mother try to tarnish her family! <br /><br />Very focussed, very considered; you're best piece for The Circle so far ;)John Clayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06230030495787135904noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8469682407918933060.post-10446780671164878972011-10-10T12:22:17.707+01:002011-10-10T12:22:17.707+01:00A nice piece Carla! I really ike the fact that you...A nice piece Carla! I really ike the fact that you've taken the story far back into Leah's past. The reader knows she is going to become a vamp, and kill her husband. We have seen what happens to her as a person, which contrasts nicely with her innocence as a teenager. Also leaves us with the Q of what happned to Evelyn.<br /><br />There were points during the convo where I was unsure which girl was talking. They are not very distinct from one another, even though you have tried to show differences. Im not actually sure which got the haircut and which the peircings...or was it one that got both? Argh<br /><br />Also I think you need to be aware of renduntancy. From small things like the sky a 'brilliant blue'-skies are always a brilliant blue! To larger things.<br /><br />Its almost a Point Horror (remember those books?) trope to have the vamp/monster stepmother entrap the hapless, possibly rich, father. The children left to see truely/under threat.<br /><br />If you want to use this plot device, go for it, just make sure you make it fresh, and put your own stamp onto it.<br /><br />Agree with Leannes sentiment, both praise and critical. Sim-feeling the stage scene also.<br /><br />Oh I think maybe als you need to work in the way they say things more. Like the golf joke. Im still not sure whther Leah is into stereotypes or teasing her sister. The latter does seem likely. But then is it really necessary to have that there? Seems a clunky way of letting the reader know Evelyn is gay...when later you do this smoothly with her 'my type' comment.Ashley Foxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12046908197617971867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8469682407918933060.post-68055104574890610042011-10-09T22:35:55.520+01:002011-10-09T22:35:55.520+01:00I enjoyed the simplicity of your peice and like Le...I enjoyed the simplicity of your peice and like Leanne and Simothy I agree with the way you've set the peice and also the way it is carried out. <br /><br />I was confused with the beginning, I didn't know who she was talking to. At first I thought it was maybe a lover and this raised serveral questions for me - but you cleared it up nice and quickly with "Dad got a new girlfriend" from then on I understood that they were sisters.<br /><br />I love the difference between them - how Leah is so suspicious of the new girlfriend and how her sister is a little more laid back - it makes me want to know more of their relationship and more about the new girlfriend - is there something sinister about her or is it a daughter protecting her father? Or jealousy? <br /><br />I really liked the way you hinted at both their careers - Leah a dancer(?) and her sister and actress(?) or (as Leanne said) something in that field? <br /><br />I look forward to reading more about these two and I would like to know more about those nicknames! It threw me at first (Leah saying Leaves) but then I caught onto the fact it was a nickname (I'm just not on the ball this month!)Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17854694161329614725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8469682407918933060.post-22742778233671777142011-10-05T02:01:55.901+01:002011-10-05T02:01:55.901+01:00REALLY liked this piece. You and Rachel have struc...REALLY liked this piece. You and Rachel have struck a similar chord in me with simple, believe, naturalistic speech and mannerism. I believe the two characters as sisters, from the none-explained nickname, to the casual but quickly accepting and forgiven frustrations, you see immediately that they're close. There's also lots of tantalizing hints at other facts, mundanities that still are suddenly interesting and work to expand the characters in your mind: Dieting. Haircuts. The lighting of a cigarette. Filing. It's those little subtleties, added without the oft occurring (elsewhere of course) overwhelming need to explain everything.<br /><br />Wonderfully simple, I have no complaints or quibbles, I simply take the piece as is, watching the little scene that plays in my mind. That's what it feels more like to me, to be honest, a short scene on stage. That's the beauty of it really, the believability of the character interactions and the little quirks that mark them as individuals and not just story constructs.<br /><br />Can't fault and can only offer praise and hope for a continuation. Or the conversion to a script maybe?Ginger Geekhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03597885674531142077noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8469682407918933060.post-85298177488871064292011-10-02T18:51:57.152+01:002011-10-02T18:51:57.152+01:00I liked it Carla. It was very obvious that it was ...I liked it Carla. It was very obvious that it was part of a larger piece,and that's great. Your dialogue is very naturalistic, which is excellent because even the most outre fantasy narratives must be grounded in reality for the reader to find them believable. I particularly like the way you've left certain things unsaid, the fact that you haven't resorted to exposition (in all but one case) makes the story more compelling. For example, I like the way Evelyn says that she is filming. This hints at the fact that she might be an actress, or maybe work behind the camera. Equally, she could be a porn star! I'm keen to find out and keen to read more. I'm also interested in the reasons why your main protagonist might be so concerned about this new girlfriend of her father's, to the point where she talks about her being 'bewitched'. This is incredibly interesting to me, and I want to know more. Ditto 'We're different' - how are they different? You've managed to create a compelling framework in which the reader can hang their own suppositions. Now we're just waiting for those thoughts to be confirmed or blown out of the water by the next piece of the story. <br /><br />My only criticism is a small one. In the eighth paragraph (if they can be called such) you have the phrase 'twin intuition'. This really grates on me, because it smacks of exposition and goes against all the subtleties in the rest of the piece. I really think that you need to 'show' us that the two characters are twins, rather than have one say it outright. It almost sounds like your character is turning to the reader and saying 'We are twins you know'. I don't think its how twins would actually talk to one another. Maybe instead you could have Evelyn say to Leah that no one will mix them up now that Leah has the short hair cut? You might also keep the part about intuition, but remove the word 'twin'. This would make it more subtle, but still obvious that there was a familial connection there. In this instance you need to trust that your reader will be able to decipher your clues. <br /><br />I'm really intrigued to see more of this story, I'd love to find out where these two girls fit into the vampire narrative of your prologue :)Crimson Ebolghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09980522480303126393noreply@blogger.com